I am generally pretty open about my struggles with depression. I’ve even discussed my suicidal thoughts. I have made plans, and never (obviously) fulfilled them.
The other day, I watched a webinar on our identity in Jesus Christ. It was a good webinar, don’t get me wrong, but it managed to trigger something.
During the webinar, we attenders were asked to think about that time when we experienced the triggering event. My story is that it was about the rabbit trail my mind went down while watching an animal documentary (I loved those as a kid). I saw/realized my insignificance, questioned my worth, questioned my being needed, would anyone even care if I was dead.
We were asked what we felt. I felt unneeded.
What was particularly interesting is that the host noted that most people experience this in 2nd grade. I was a bit early (by a year), but that is still pretty close. The host stated a belief that someone said or did something that triggered this. I’m not sure it’s true for me, as the documentary image/memory is so set that I can’t see anything beyond it.
As I look back, I realize many things, including dreams, goals, and aspirations, revolved (at least to today’s way of thinking) around being needed. I need to be needed. The even more twisted side of this? Much of my emotional battle is believing quite strongly that I am not needed, even when those who I intellectually know do need me (my wife and kids, though my kids are almost beyond the needing a parent part, I think). I struggle even with people saying they value me, again, while I intellectually understand they do.
This is my brokenness.
What’s odd is that my faith is toward a God who does not need me. God loves me. God wants me. God does not need me.
I bring this up as I actually find this comforting, despite the need to be needed. I mean, really, if God needed me, well, that means God is lacking. I do not believe that God is lacking in any way.